Category Archives: openletter
To my dearly beloved bacon lovers,
This has got to stop. I understand your view that bacon is “delicious” and “the best tasting thing ever”. However, this bacon flavored everything is truly getting out of hand! I can’t walk into a store now without seeing something bacon themed. Do you realize how this makes the states seem? Fat. I, myself, have been known to enjoy (burnt) bacon, but not enough to dab eau de pig on before dinner parties. In closing, I ask that you stop wasting your monies on things like bacon tooth paste, which I know is actually too disgusting to use.
p.s. I’ve listed twelve bacon gifts I find truly over the top. Just the thought of some of these makes my cholesterol rise.
I wanted to let you down easy, but really.. It’s not me, it’s you. We’ve spent the past four years together in blissful Apple harmony. I really enjoyed every virus-free minute. All of the Youtube videos we watched, photographs we uploaded and said, “blech!” or “hooray! I’m not going to delete this one until I change my mind!” Of course you remember our awkward times.. You know, what I’m talking about. The facebook message “I like you’s” we sent to boys. Were we ever virtually ballsy!
But, here’s the thing. No matter how perfect our track record may be together, you ruined it instantly. Maybe it’s my fault.. I trust you so much. I rely on you for everything and never even bothered to give you a RAM upgrade. (I did get you snow leopard though!.. not the same? oh..) Lately, you’ve been showing your age. I can hear you wheeze when I open Adobe Photoshop or Lightroom. We’ve discussed this. I’m a photographer. This is bound to happen. Yet you still sigh and moan until I restart your white ass. I turn you off every night and put all of my files on an external hard drive! What more do you want from me?! Are you jealous of my Xbox time? What is it? Whenever I have questions, you are where I find my solutions. So here I am.
However, the next time you decide to shut yourself down while I’m in the middle of unsaved work, I will easily hurl you through the window. Or, at least, I will easily hurl you at the window. And I’ll promptly buy a brand new iMac.. from an iPad THAT WORKS.
Thanks for the five hours of work I’ll never get back,
Yes, I’m still mad,