Category Archives: Facepalm

An Idiot’s Guide To Facebook Etiquette

 

I’m going to be real with you. I’m not the first person to rant about how annoying people are on Facebook. You can Google search and come up with about hundred blogs that list something like “five facebook faux pas”. That being said, could you learn something this time, you moron?

For the record, I’m not a Facebooker. I am a Twitterererer all the way. I don’t get on Facebook everyday and I don’t have an app for it on my phone. But as the Christmas season rolls in and I’m planning get togethers with old friends, I am finding myself on FB more and more. With fresh eyes, I am reacting to the lack of common sense on America’s favorite social network. Below are the many Facebookers who drove me to Twitter. If you’re reading this from Facebook and are guilty of most of these crimes, then this must be awkward for you!

Statuses

The Guilty Repost

Sadly, 97% of face book users will not re-post this. When Jesus died on the cross he was thinking of you. If you are the 3% who care re-post this and like it.

Because it’s Christmas time, I’ve been seeing this one a lot lately. Still, are you kidding me? I’m not reposting that crap. These types of statuses cry out “I need reassurance that I’m interesting :(”

Countdown Statuses

one 1567 more days until I marry my shnookums!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

STOP IT.

The Over Emo

Uncontrollable crying and I can’t stop thinking of YOU. cut cut slice slice

Oh. My. God. I realize you’re in a delicate state, but everyone has blocked you from their minifeed because they can’t stand you. Too harsh? We all know you’re calling out for help, but putting a status up after a breakup or momentary separation is pathetic. If you want to cry about it to someone, that’s what private messages are for. ya heard?

The Bragger

I’m amazing! Check out my boobs! They look sOoOoO awesome!

I’m glad you think so. No one else does.

I actually knew someone, briefly, who posted that. What I mean is people who post statuses or pictures about how awesome they are. The above statement is true 97% of the time.

The Person Who Has One Strong Point On Politics

This person loves posts a few (or many) times every day about how corrupt everything is and how awful the President is. I think you’re missing the point of Facebook. It’s a social network, not a realization that you might be the next Lee Harvey Oswald. (Since this is an idiot’s guide, I’ll assume you did not pay attention in American History. Oswald assassinated JFK.)

Replying.. What Replying?

I’m the largest offender in this area, but I have told everyone I know that I am a terrible Facebooker. Only because I don’t really like it anymore. I keep my profile as to stay in touch with friends.

That being said, people will ask me questions and I will have missed it for a few weeks, or months, and people get MAD. Don’t follow my actions in this instance. Apparently everyone still loves FB except for me.

Unmindful Posting

When you are on Facebook, you are friends with your friends, your work, your family, and your partner’s family. I’m not speaking for everyone here, but we don’t necessarily want to know when you got super wasted or how big your boobs are. Thanks though!

Event Invites

Remember when we didn’t know each other in middle school? Me too! Come check out my super sweet band this Thursday. We’re playing in our parent’s room.

NO.

Liking Your Junk

Listen, we get it. You are posting this because you think you’re funny. You don’t have to reassure us.

Posting The Wrong Thing

It’s a black top blur, but I’m pretty sure it ruled. Yeah, last friday night!!!

Again, something I’ve seen a lot. I don’t really understand this. You have Google, the universal search engine that can tell you ANYTHING. If you are going to post a popular radio song, like Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night”, check the lyrics. Pop songs tend to not make sense, but in this case, a “black top blur” is, in no way, a plausible lyric… It’s a blacked out blur.

Mean Comments

It’s one thing to have a heated discussion on Facebook. It’s another to hate on everyone’s posts. I get it. You’re close-minded, as most idiots are, and don’t like to see things different than you view them. However, there’s one thing you need to grasp throughout this whole blog: Everything you do on the internet stays on the internet FOREVER. Meaning, everyone knows you’re an asshole now. Oops!

These are the top annoyances I have with Facebook. Tell me about your annoyances on Twitter or in the comments!

Until the next time I remember to blog,

ohheytay

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Friends Don’t Let Friends Come At Them With Scissors.

Earlier this morning, I noticed that I could see my scalp and I panicked. I suppose I should remind you that I have recently come off meds that gave me severe hair loss. My hair has been growing back, but it is always a slower process than you wish it would be. Anyways, this morning I panicked and my friend offered to give me bangs. I wasn’t just panicked..  I had a manic panic. I wasn’t in my right mind! And with my judgement faltered, I let her.

She started snipping away and I quickly realized how terrible this idea was. Seriously, I’m letting some girl cut my BANGS? Not just a trim, but bangs.. something I haven’t had since I was in third grade. She only had finished one side when I stopped her and ran to the nearest hair salon. They are not even, but in two weeks I will have the beautiful bangs I wanted today.

So that was my morning. I learned a lesson I won’t forget and I will keep learning it until these bangs grow longer. Wah. Here’s some pictures.

Xx ohheytay

My brother says you look cooler in pictures with sunglasses on. Is it working?

 

A Ketchup Story.

Once upon some french fries, I put ketchup on. I don’t know why I did this as I do not appreciate the taste of it. Anyways, I did this and without realizing I announced to everyone around me that it was REALLY good. REALLY good. Ah mah gad. Sa good.

Some people asked me if I was foreign and never had ketchup before and I dumbly responded that ketchup is a global condiment. Stupid idiots.

But then a random smartass man came up to me and said, “But you are having Heinz. That’s not real ketchup!”

“What?! This isn’t real? I just ate fake ketchup? Like movie ketchup?” I responded.

“Uh..”

“I ate ketchup that looks like real ketchup but in fact is not? Oh my god. How could this happen to me?! Is this even a real hot dog?”

At this point he was embarrassed at the attention I drew and said quietly, “Dude [I love being called “dude”], calm down. Listen, I just wanted to say that Heinz uses a lot of corn syrup and Hunts uses more tomatoes. Therefore it is not real ketchup. That’s all..”

“You killed my ketchup buzz over corn syrup?”

“Sorry, I didn’t know you would take it so hard.”

“Have you had chocolate covered bacon?”

“Yes? But what..”

“Well, I haven’t because I don’t really favor pork and I have SOME dignity left!”

Anyways, I like ketchup now so yeah that happened.

Shut up,
ohheytay

Petco, Where The Idiots Go

Recently I took my dogs to Petco to buy more food and toys. I took my crazy lab and miniature pinscher. The two of them towed me through the parking lot in sheer joy of where they were. (The only thing my dogs can seemingly remember is where they have received treats/shots.) Anyways, the three of us bounded through the parking lot, whether I liked it or not.

I picked up food and a few things for the pups to chew for when I’m at work. We turn a corner and all of a sudden I hear this shrill bad 80’s movie scream. The scream stunned both me and my dogs to a complete stop. I believe my lab, Jack, hit the floor for cover. The woman looked at me, wide eyed, and said, “I didn’t realize there would be dogs here!”

Before I could stop myself (Let’s be real. Who could stop themselves at that comment?), I deduced she was an idiot and said, “You did not think there would be dogs… at a Petco… where the pets go.” I think at that comment you can tell her fear turned into embarrassment-anger and she started accusing my dogs of attacking her. Jack is still taking cover under the hamster balls, mind you. Luckily, an employee watched the whole incident. They sent me home with a bag full of complimentary treats and steered that malodorous heap of parrot droppings away from me.

I understand that people are afraid of dogs. I think it is stupid, but I understand irrational phobia. However, I do not go to Red Lobster (at all) and think I am not going to see a lobster. Or grocery stores for that matter. Sigh…

That’s all I have to say about that.