Tall, Dark And Emotionally Unavailable.

Everyone has a type. Unfortunately, you can’t always find your type because your type is oblivious or momentarily frightened when you wonder out loud, “Have boys ever tried to put slap bracelets on their wieners?” My type really needs to figure out that I am way too lazy to act on what I wonder.

I am twenty-two and ready to find a man. I don’t mean to make a blatant statement about being ready to find love and then sound non-committal in the next sentence, but the idea of finding the guy I’m spending the rest of my life with kind of scares me. So maybe I’m just going to find my type of guy and then see where that goes. I’m going to be honest.. If I don’t have a boyfriend and the world ends in 2012, I will be so pissed. I don’t care what you tell me. I’ll find a way to still be bitter that you did not have the balls to ask me out.

It seems as though most of the guys I attract are assholes. Ones that show interest and make you fight for attention, then blow you off. I don’t really understand the fun in that. I am a girl who loves beer, video games, music, hot wings, and hockey. It’s like dating your best friend, but less gay.

So, if you’re shy, and hopefully you’re not, here’s a list of traits I like in a guy mixed with some things you should be aware about me. I don’t mean for most of it to be serious except for that I mean most of it to be serious.

  1. Have lifetime and short-term goals. If you don’t have a plan for your life, go ahead and stop reading now. I don’t care what you do, but you have to have that vigor.
  2. Don’t be a heavy mouth breather. Dear Lord, there’s a reason Darth Vader never remarried.
  3. Embrace being weird. I am in school to be a fashion photographer and I like photographing the strange. I love it when people do a double take at my pictures because it is so outrageous. To me, a successful photograph is one that creates strong reactions, may it be good or bad.
  4. Appreciate tattoos. I love them. If you have some then.. Hi, I’m Taylor.
  5. Be funny. I tend to laugh at everything, but our love will not be forever like diamonds if I’m the only source.
  6. Please, for the love of God and our happiness, be able to SPELL freaking words. I can’t help correcting people when they spell incorrectly. It’s not my fault that it sincerely bothers me! So if we’re 90 years old and I see you scribble down “I am dieing,” no, I will not call a nurse. You deserve it.
  7. Brush up on your pop culture. When I reference Space Balls and you give me a blank face every time, I mean come ON.
  8. LIKE BEER. If I’m the only one in the relationship who likes beer, my family and I will call you girly names to your face. If they make fun of you for not eating meat, I’ll back you up then. But beer, you’re SOL.
  9. Don’t kiss your dog on the lips. I spoil my dogs and tell them the approximate time I’ll be back because I feel so guilty for leaving them. However, frenching your mutt is grounds for dismissal.
  10. White teeth. It is important to me and I’m not good at being subtle. So maybe #11 should be about not being easily offended when I buy you white strips. Love you!
  11. Be Jake Gyllenhaal.
  12. Don’t be Jake Gyllenhaal. I once met Orlando Bloom and I told him I liked his pirate movies. I am almost phobic of what I’d tell Jake.
  13. I do not have room in my heart for rank people. I got no belly for the smelly.
  14. Facial hair is an A+. Mustaches are fine as a joke. P.S. Weddings are not a joke.
  15. Know, or be willing to learn, something about cars. Apparently, this makes or breaks my dad’s approval. Only exception: If you professionally play hockey or are of direct decent of Bobby Orr. You’re in the clear then.
  16. Appreciate the outdoors without going outdoors. I love not camping.
  17. Be accepting of my family’s spontaneous dance parties on vacations and willing to join in. This also includes belting terrible songs in the car. It’s how we bond.
  18. Play video games. You would think a girl asking a guy to play a video game every now and then is an easy task. It’s not. Apparently not all guys appreciate first person shooters like I do. I’m going to a midnight release party for Modern Warfare 3. I’m a gamer. I need to be with my kind.
  19. Be ready to never eat lobster again. I am actually phobic and have passed out in the presence of one before. You can laugh all you want, but try to prank me, we’re through.
  20. Whenever something goes wrong, don’t blame it on Canada. I’m Canadian and fully able to say that Nickelback was a lapse in judgement!
If you think you, or someone you know, is this perfect model of a man, let me know. If you think you might be close to it, maybe we can work out a deal. But I won’t budge on Nickelback. They really are a terrible.

About ohheytay

A girl of mystery and power, whose power is exceeded only by her mystery.

Posted on 28/10/2011, in ineedhelp and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.


  2. Oh my God. This is hilarious. Why isn’t this girl my best friend?

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